Today’s News in Two Sentences or Less

The Jonas Brothers officially call it quits
But what are the millions of screaming girls going to do NOW — oh, look, One Direction!

Woman in Fargo, North Dakota, handing out shaming notes instead of candy to “moderately obese” Trick-or-Treaters
*Sigh*  I miss the days when weird neighbors just handed out razor-filled apples.

Kerry Washington expecting her first baby
Good excuse for Olivia Pope to invest in a bigger Prada bag to hide that baby bump.

There is a global wine shortage, according to Morgan Stanley Research
However, experts expect supply to return to normal now that Lindsay Lohan is sober.

Katy Perry tells fellow pop stars to stop being “so naked”
Because that’s HER thing, mmm-kay? Geesh.

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