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The NewsFlasher

Table of Contents from Donald Trump Jr.’s New Book, You Can’t Spell Treason Without “Son”

Only we have an exclusive sneak peek!

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INTRODUCTION

I’m gonna skip this part, just like I skipped classes at Penn and the Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. Because I can get away with shit like that, bitches!

CHAPTER ONE

My Life as Donald J. Trump’s Firstborn Son
“Punch down, not up, you stupid fucking moron!” my dad would always encourage me.

CHAPTER TWO

My Life as Ivanka’s Brother
“Why can’t you be smart and hot like your sister, you stupid fucking moron?!” my dad would always wonder.

CHAPTER THREE

My Life, My Rules
How I’ve written my own rules for success, based solely on trying to earn the approval from my dad that I so desperately long for.

CHAPTER FOUR

My Overcompensation
How killing large, beautiful animals for no reason makes my penis feel less small.

CHAPTER FIVE

My Work for the Less Fortunate and Disenfranchised
[MISSING CHAPTER]

CHAPTER SIX

My Russian Tower Meeting
Er… I mean my Trump Tower meeting! That never happened. Certainly not with any Russians. Okay, maybe there were Russians, but no collusion! Okay, maybe a teensy bit of collusion, but my dad didn’t even know about it! Much. I mean, say what? I’m not scared, YOU’RE SCARED. *Ahem* Should I post more emails on Twitter? Retweet another doctored video of Nancy Pelosi? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DADDY!

CHAPTER SEVEN

My MAGA Love
All of my dad’s accomplishments the fake news media refuses to report: has created record-breaking number of job opportunities defense attorneys; leading fight against “very fine” White Nationalist patriots; only disclosed nuclear codes to Russians – nobody else!; invented the word “covfefe”; singlehandedly boosted fast food business with fine spreads offered to athletes visiting White House.

CHAPTER EIGHT

My Future
Imagining myself in prison, having taken the fall for my dad, and wondering if he loves me yet. Or if he’ll ever visit or write me back. Totally hypothetical, of course.

 

SEE ALSO: These Suggested Titles for Donald Trump Jr’s New Book Are Hilarious

The NewsFlasher

Jon Voight Says Trump is “the Greatest President Since Abraham Lincoln” — and Lincoln Responds

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In perhaps his best unintentionally comedic performance yet, actor Jon Voight manages to keep a straight face while declaring that Trump is “the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln” in a video posted on — where else? — Twitter.

Behold “To My Fellow Americans. Part One.” (YES! There’s already a sequel!)

Trump “has made his every move correct,” Jonny says (“EVERY MOVE!”), adding that “our country is stronger, safer and with more jobs” with him at the helm–but failing to mention that most of those jobs were Trump’s own defense attorneys.

“This job is not easy, for he’s battling the left and their absurd words of destruction,” J-Vo, 80, solemnly intones. “Our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln.”

When asked to comment on the comparison of Trump to himself, Honest Abe responded:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. (Oops! And women.) Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether we can survive a moronic, narcissistic man-toddler as the president of this otherwise great nation…”

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The NewsFlasher

BREAKING: Video of Donald Trump Doctored to Make Him Sound Presidential and Lucid

Okay, this is getting out of hand…

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After the distorted video of Nancy Pelosi made the rounds yesterday, another misleadingly edited video has hit the Internet — this one created to make Donald Trump sound presidential and capable of stringing multi-syllabic words together. What a disappointing misrepresentation of the truth. Shame on you, Internet!

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The NewsFlasher

Samantha Bee to Democratic Candidates Going on Fox News: “You Just Look Stupid”

“Nobody is impressed by how Charlie Brown reaches across the aisle to Lucy’s football.”

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There’s a debate raging over whether Democratic presidential candidates should dip a toe in the Fox‘s den (see what I did there?) by appearing on the notoriously right-wing network — and Samantha Bee has no problem letting everyone know which side she’s on.

The Full Frontal host first went after Mayor Pete Buttigieg, who decided to hold his Fox News town hall on the same night as the Game of Thrones finale. “Buttigieg seems like a smart candidate, but this was the worst-scheduled media event since Jay-Z decided September 11th, 2001 to release his iconic album … ‘9/11 Will Never Happen.’”

After playing the clip of the audience giving Buttigieg a surprise standing ovation, Bee said, “What a touching reception for a candidate on a network that doesn’t believe his sexual orientation entitles him to eat cake.”

“Fox town halls have become a dilemma for Democratic candidates,” Bee added. Sen. Elizabeth Warren was the first to say she had no interest in doing an event with the network, calling it a “hate-for-profit racket.” As Bee put it, Fox is the “first profitable racket Trump has ever been involved in.” Sen. Kamala Harris quickly followed suit, causing some pundits to suggest they are “scared” of taking their message to a potentially unfriendly audience.

“First of all, if you want to talk about being afraid of the opposition, the Republican president’s own press secretary has done fewer press briefings this month than Gene Simmons!” Bee exclaimed. “Oh my God, are we invading Iran with the KISS Army?”

To all Democrats struggling to figure out what to do in regards to Fox, Bee said, “This is obviously a complex issue” before stopping herself. “Oh wait, it’s not. You do not have to go on Fox News!” And while there are apparently some Democrats and Independents who watch the channel, Bee said she found that fact “shocking” because “the only time I watch Fox News is when I want to rage-horny before date night with my husband.”

From there, Bee underscored just how nasty most of Fox News’ coverage on the Democratic candidates can be, from calling Warren “Pocahontas” to “mistakenly” putting Harris’ photo up on the screen in place of a wanted murderer.  She also noted that “at a certain point, if you play along with Fox, you don’t look bold or bipartisan, you just look stupid,” adding, “Nobody is impressed by how Charlie Brown reaches across the aisle to Lucy’s football.”

Although Bee admitted there may be a “strategic” reason for some candidates to go on Fox, she reminded them that it’s “not morally the right thing to do.”

“When you go on Fox News, no matter how lit your town hall game is that night — you are legitimizing them,” she argued.

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