Photo illustration by Gallery of the Absurd

THE PLEASE-HIM PRETZEL TWIST

Carnal challenge: 

EROTIC INSTRUCTIONS:
Clear a space on the toy-strewn floor, the spit-up-filled bed or the minivan after circling the block a dozen times to get the freakin’ baby to finally sleep. Position your husband so he can get a clear view of you making a fool of yourself, as well as the baby monitor because it’s histurn to get the baby no matter what he says. Prepare your body with a doctor-recommended aid, such as a Vicodin-tini (if you’re breastfeeding, this will also make a great sleep aid for baby), to help relax your limbs to the point that Gumby would seem stiff in comparison. Place right leg over left shoulder, left leg over right shoulder, right arm over left leg and left arm over right leg. Again, if you’re breastfeeding, swing those pendulous orbs over your shoulders as well. Unclench your buttocks, then warn your husband you may accidentally pee a little bit because, yeah, that shit still happens after you have the baby and he needs to get over it because IT’S ALL HIS FAULT.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE IT:
Let’s face it — men love positions that remind them of salty snacks! And there’s nothing sexier than looking like you belong in an Auntie Anne’s oven. While your confused husband tries to figure out whether he’s supposed to use your exposed backdoor or dip you in salt — or both — you can enjoy the super-sexy vulnerable feeling of being more twisted than a Scandalstoryline.

WHY YOU’LL HATE IT:
Experts say it will likely take 6-8 days to extract yourself from this position, which will make it hard to hold, feed or take care of your baby in any way.  Also, THE NUMBNESS.

If you like this week’s position, try…

The Headspin Spread Eagle

Dear Wilma,

I am a working mom and don’t always have time to break out the food processor to personally puree my 8-month-old son’s fruits and vegetables. However, I am concerned that packaged baby food isn’t as nutritious and pure as homemade baby food. Do you think that using, say, jarred butternut squash will have any toxic effects on my son’s health?

Signed,

Health-Minded in Houston

Dear Health-Minded,

Seriously? I pulled myself away from cave lion hunting for this? Puh-lease, Homo sapien. I let my baby girl suck on the rotting carcass of a wooly mammoth and she managed to survive. That water we drink from the Euphrates ain’t exactly filtered either. My point being, you humans need to obsessing over such ridiculousness. Also, babies love rotten wooly mammoth meat.

Dear Wilma:

My toddler son REFUSES to put his coat on before we go outside, even though it’s 30 degrees out there! He screams and kicks the floor until I just give up. I’m afraid he’s going to catch a cold! Any tips for getting him to cooperate?

Signed,

Frustrated in Farmingdale

Dear Frustrated,

As one who is surviving the Ice Age and all, I scoff at your tiny human chests and ribs that make you so weak in the “cold.” Wusses! That being said, I find that my children are more likely to wear their bear skins when I ask them with a spear pointed at their heads. And if all else fails, let him succumb to the freezing temperatures and throw him over the fire for dinner. Hey, we moms are busy — we don’t have time to coddle the insubordinate!

Dear Wilma,

My three-year-old daughter loves to give me art projects as gifts, but I’m running out of space for them. Any creative ways you can suggest for saving her artwork?

Signed,

Space-Challenged in Sacramento

Dear Space-Challenged,

You’re running out of space for art? Just move to a cave with bigger walls for her to draw on! Duh.

Wilma is a Neanderthal who was put together using analysis of DNA from 43,000-year-old bones that had been cannibalized. The mother of five sturdy children with large heads — to whom she gave birth without so much as a bison head to throw at her baby-daddy during labor — Wilma enjoys scavenging from dead animals, harvesting berries, protecting her kids from saber-toothed tigers, and sharing funny cave bear memes on Pinterest in her spare time.

the parenting column with bossy tips you never asked for!

Facebook isn’t just about keeping in touch with friends with family–it’s also about letting them know how amazing your life is, while cloaking it in fake modesty so you don’t appear too amazing. To help jump-start your humblebragging, here are eight suggested status updates that will both impress and annoy all who follow you.

1. “Our two-year-old can already read and write. Any advice on how to give a genius a ‘normal’ childhood?”

2. “Kids only got granola bars for breakfast because I was tired after running four miles this morning.”

3. “I can’t believe our son made the honor roll when he missed so much school for all-star baseball.”

4. “The bread I made completely from scratch looks a little lumpy in this picture, lol.”

5. “I feel bad when other moms tell me their kids are terrible sleepers because Max and Ava have always slept through the night. Don’t know what I did to get so lucky!”

6. “Crazy that Parenting Magazine picked me as one of their top 10 bloggers. Wonder how long ’til they realize they made a mistake?”

7. “I just got carded buying wine at Whole Foods. AGAIN. So tired of that happening!”

8. “Does anybody know how to get chocolate stains off the leather seats of a new Mercedes SUV? That’s the last time I let Jonah eat Kit Kats in the car!”