How to Seriously Beef Up Your Hair with Steak Tenderloin

Can’t figure out how to stop your post-pregnancy hair from shedding faster than a poodle with mange? If so, that’s probably because you’re trying to volumize your locks when you should be tenderizing them with a Porterhouse! Here’s how to deal with the fallout with a juicy slab of meat.

#1 – Rub protein directly onto scalp.

“As your system rebalances, your hair is going to be last on your body’s list of priorities to nourish, so it often needs some external support,” says trichologist Gemma Cohen. She recommends massaging your scalp with “nutrient-rich steaks that contain plenty of protein and iron.” We recommend marinating it in a delicious Chianti beforehand; this not only further tenderizes it, but also allows you to consume a few drops in hopes of catching a buzz so you don’t realize how ridiculous you look while smothering your hair with a t-bone.

#2 – Don’t fear washing your hair in a bucket of beef.

If you wash your hair too vigorously with an old-school product, such as shampoo and water (classic mistake!), you run the risk of drying it out, causing it to break easily and go the way of George Costanza. So don’t be afraid to fill up a bucket with meats and stick your head right in there! The smell of tasty steak will distract you from the fact you look like you’re suffering from male pattern baldness and the grease will ensure your hair doesn’t become more dry.

#3 – Wear a flat-iron steak band

A new mom prepares her steak-band/midnight snack

This thin cut of steak cut with the grain from the shoulder of the animal makes the perfect hair-loss accessory! Simply tie it around your head to disguise the bald spots and the reality that you haven’t taken a shower in days, and soak in its oily goodness. Sure, you might attract flies and weird stares, but at least you’ve covered those unsightly wisps! So very Gaga-at-the-VMAs chic.