Movies

Ron Burgundy’s Top 5 Excuses for Not Changing Diapers

Published

12 years ago

November 4, 2013

Rumor has it that Ron Burgundy may have a baby (and face a custody battle) in the greatly anticipated Anchorman sequel premiering on Christmas. Yup! Ron Burgundy reproduces! Now, we can’t imagine Mr. Burgundy would exactly embrace the task of changing diapers, so here are some more colorful excuses he could use to avoid diaper duty…

Ron Burgundy’s Top 5 Excuses for Not Changing Diapers

5. “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I can’t risk contaminating my delicious-smelling books with the stench of that baby’s Lincoln Logs!”

4. “Ooohhh, it’s the deep burn. Oh, it’s so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm ’cause I did so many curls. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand. Phew! No way do I have the strength to change a diaper after that!”

3. [The baby cries because his diaper is full] RON: “You know I don’t speak Spanish.”

2. As explained to new colleague Veronica Corningstone:

VERONICA: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

RON: I’m not a baby, I’m a man! I am an anchorman!

VERONICA: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!

RON: I’m a man who discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science. That’s why you change the diapers and we…

VERONICA: … Wear them?

RON: Exactly.

1. RON: [After finally agreeing to change a particularly nasty diaper] “I immediately regret this decision.”

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Related Topics:Anchorman Movie Humor Movies

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The Original Ending of the Movie Se7en — Revealed!

Movies

The Original Ending of the Movie Se7en — Revealed!

How different things could have turned out for Brad Pitt’s Somerset.

Published

8 years ago

October 22, 2018

Candy Kirby

More often than not, the final product shown in movie theaters is a far cry from the screenwriter’s initial intentions. Only Big Hair has a peek at the original movie endings; up this week…

Se7en

Starring Brad Pitt, Gwyneth Paltrow & Morgan Freeman

EXT.  MARSHLANDS, INDUSTRIAL ROAD -- EARLY EVENING

The deliveryman takes a brown package, about a foot square, from
the van.

        DELIVERYMAN
    This guy paid me twenty bucks to
    bring it out here.  He wanted it here at
    exactly seven o'clock.

        SOMERSET
    Put it down.  Put it on the ground.

        DELIVERYMAN
    Okay...

He puts it on the road and backs away, holding up his hands.

Somerset glances into the field to see Doe on his knees with
Mills behind him.  Somerset looks at the package.  Written on
top: DETECTIVE WILLIAM SOMERSET -- HANDLE WITH CARE.

        SOMERSET
            (to deliveryman)
    Go.  Get out of here!

The deliveryman backs off, then scrambles into the van.  Somerset
pulls back his bullet-proof vest and speaks into the mic.

        SOMERSET
    There's a package here.  It's from John Doe.

The van tears away.  Somerset doesn't know what to do.  He walks
around the package, reholsters his gun.

        SOMERSET
    I don't know... I don't know...

He looks out towards Doe and Mills.

INT.  HELICOPTER -- EARLY EVENING

California waits, listening, looking into the blood-red sky.

        SOMERSET (.o.)
            (through headset)
    I'm going to have to open it.

Somerset pulls his switchblade, clicks it open.

He cuts across the top of the box, hands shaking, cuts quickly.
He pulls the box open, pulls at some bubble-wrap inside.

INT.  POLICE HELICOPTER -- EARLY EVENING

The pilot grits his teeth.

        PILOT
            (into helmet mic)
    Let's go!

        CALIFORNIA
    We are going to wait!

California listens.

        SOMERSET (v.o.)
            (through headset)
    Oh, Christ... oh, Christ...

EXT.  MARSHLANDS, INDUSTRIAL ROAD -- EARLY EVENING

Somerset stumbles backwards, away from the open box.  He leans against
his car for support, holds the back of his hand to his mouth.

        SOMERSET
    No...

ZOOM INSIDE THE BOX TO REVEAL A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

                JOHN DOE/MILLS/PILOT/CALIFORNIA
    Surprise!

            SOMERSET
    I can't believe this.  How'd you guys know?!

                JOHN DOE
    A little birdy told us.  Eat up!  It's ice cream, your favorite.

Somerset shakes his head, laughing.  Mills and John Doe high-five, as we...

                                                            FADE TO:  BLACK.

                                  THE END.

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