If you’ve ever pulled out a toy kitchen to assemble at midnight on Christmas Eve, then you know it not only requires five kinds of pliers, eight types of screw drivers, the pliers you never got back from Linda, and a master’s degree in mechanical engineering to assemble it — it also takes alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. So if you want to want to put that bike together without taking a sledgehammer to it or murdering a small pet who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, here’s a great list of liquor to help preserve your sanity.

1. Jug of Wine

Pairs nicely with the Allen key you just threw at the wall.

2. Whiskey Sour

Here’s a drink that reflects how you feel when you’re putting the trampoline together outside, in the freezing cold, while it sleets: SOUR.

3. Tequila Sunrise

Because that’s when you’re finally going to put the last screw in that stupid outdoor fort/swing set/sliding board contraption: at sunrise, just moments before the kids wake up.

4. Mai Tai

Take a moment to remember the good ol’ days when you spent the holidays lounging by the pool in Maui with a Mai Tai instead of crying on top of a half-assembled trampoline. Ahhhhhh.

5. Screwdriver

The other screwdrivers you have don’t fit the tiny screws for the fucking doll house, but this screwdriver…? Goes down just right.

Dear Wilma,

I am a working mom and don’t always have time to break out the food processor to personally puree my 8-month-old son’s fruits and vegetables. However, I am concerned that packaged baby food isn’t as nutritious and pure as homemade baby food. Do you think that using, say, jarred butternut squash will have any toxic effects on my son’s health?

Signed,

Health-Minded in Houston

Dear Health-Minded,

Seriously? I pulled myself away from cave lion hunting for this? Puh-lease, Homo sapien. I let my baby girl suck on the rotting carcass of a wooly mammoth and she managed to survive. That water we drink from the Euphrates ain’t exactly filtered either. My point being, you humans need to obsessing over such ridiculousness. Also, babies love rotten wooly mammoth meat.

Dear Wilma:

My toddler son REFUSES to put his coat on before we go outside, even though it’s 30 degrees out there! He screams and kicks the floor until I just give up. I’m afraid he’s going to catch a cold! Any tips for getting him to cooperate?

Signed,

Frustrated in Farmingdale

Dear Frustrated,

As one who is surviving the Ice Age and all, I scoff at your tiny human chests and ribs that make you so weak in the “cold.” Wusses! That being said, I find that my children are more likely to wear their bear skins when I ask them with a spear pointed at their heads. And if all else fails, let him succumb to the freezing temperatures and throw him over the fire for dinner. Hey, we moms are busy — we don’t have time to coddle the insubordinate!

Dear Wilma,

My three-year-old daughter loves to give me art projects as gifts, but I’m running out of space for them. Any creative ways you can suggest for saving her artwork?

Signed,

Space-Challenged in Sacramento

Dear Space-Challenged,

You’re running out of space for art? Just move to a cave with bigger walls for her to draw on! Duh.

Wilma is a Neanderthal who was put together using analysis of DNA from 43,000-year-old bones that had been cannibalized. The mother of five sturdy children with large heads — to whom she gave birth without so much as a bison head to throw at her baby-daddy during labor — Wilma enjoys scavenging from dead animals, harvesting berries, protecting her kids from saber-toothed tigers, and sharing funny cave bear memes on Pinterest in her spare time.

the parenting column with bossy tips you never asked for!

Facebook isn’t just about keeping in touch with friends with family–it’s also about letting them know how amazing your life is, while cloaking it in fake modesty so you don’t appear too amazing. To help jump-start your humblebragging, here are eight suggested status updates that will both impress and annoy all who follow you.

1. “Our two-year-old can already read and write. Any advice on how to give a genius a ‘normal’ childhood?”

2. “Kids only got granola bars for breakfast because I was tired after running four miles this morning.”

3. “I can’t believe our son made the honor roll when he missed so much school for all-star baseball.”

4. “The bread I made completely from scratch looks a little lumpy in this picture, lol.”

5. “I feel bad when other moms tell me their kids are terrible sleepers because Max and Ava have always slept through the night. Don’t know what I did to get so lucky!”

6. “Crazy that Parenting Magazine picked me as one of their top 10 bloggers. Wonder how long ’til they realize they made a mistake?”

7. “I just got carded buying wine at Whole Foods. AGAIN. So tired of that happening!”

8. “Does anybody know how to get chocolate stains off the leather seats of a new Mercedes SUV? That’s the last time I let Jonah eat Kit Kats in the car!”